i woke up with a cold today, a bit groggy and the sun is confusing although i welcome it. i've been sitting in the same cafe for hours trying to feel like i am setting things in motion, or trying to be part of that. there is soulful music playing and i kinda want to lie down on the cafe floor in the sun and tap the side of my foot against the cement floor, or slow dance with a stuffed animal.
lowry is sick in bed, tessa just sent an important letter, and chenda... i imagine you are up in the attic?
and so i started this today- hope we can all get down with it.
love you love you love you.
well loves. we are three under one roof in our own beds alone. sara? where are you laying your head?
ReplyDeletei said i would call you when i couldn't sleep. this is the first bad one in awhile. it's 3:37 and i am still wide awake. i went to open the trusty netflix only to discover that alexis' account had expired. so i watched a film of gilian welch and david rawlings instead. really beautiful and inspiring.
i don't even know what to say. maybe it is the full moon. ive been waiting for this day, getting ready for it. but i can't help but feel super anxious about. (tonight was the moles show in cc- i sang some songs with stephen). i know it went okay but i can't help but think of all the things that weren't perfect. it seems a crazy feat, to master your body's nervous system enough to stay present and have this experience in front of people in which you are actively creating something but also needing to be sinking into it yourself for it to be felt. i don't know. so i am lying here in bed my head racing, not with any kind of useful thought just movement just spinning. my heart throbs a little watching that movie- that is what i want to be doing. but how? and how to not make myself crazy in the process? everytime i perform i can't sleep afterwards. it is the same when i get deep into a painting- i can't let it go and i'm just stuck in it. i don't know whtat to do about it. anywya. sorry this is me at 3:30 feeling a little hopeless. inevitably i will drink coffee in the morning and feel possible again and start new projects.
hm. i guess the thing about performance is that suddenly the thing leaves your control. it's just there and people can have any kind of reaction. good bad whatever. i guess i just feel fucking exposed and afraid. right, at bottom is insecurity that people won't like it. do i need to stop caring about that? is that how i get over fears? is it the old "we;re all gonna die?"
aah. love you all.