fevers cause it all to pour out

beloveds,

sick in bed today. fever and aches and i'm not able to to anything but read a few pages and wipe my eyes, drift into sleep with strange dreams and wake again to sit something luke warm.

in all this sickness i am thinking non-stop about andy. how much has changed in how i feel about it, but also how little has changed. i saw his truck two nights in a row outside caroline's. i realized how there had been this growing hope that he had heard me and was choosing to live his life in a less charge ahead, less violent, less territorial way. and i also realized that my work is learning to let go of expectations, hopes, desires, and connection to anything he and they do. which, of course, is a super-human feat and i have no skills with which to pursue that intention.

not talking to him, not having him in my life isn't working. i miss him too much. want him to be the face i open my door to. and when i did see him all that love was so present between us. its just it all becomes dangerous when i step back to him, when he isn't in front of me, or when he runs from himself and uses my open heart as a kick-stand. i think that i'm falling a little bit in not knowing how or what to know.

all the time lately, when i can get past the chocking feeling of it all, i think about scarcity. how this world, this economy we exist inside of has made us all, to some extent, believe in the lack of resources, the lack of space, the shortage of available energy. its why i admire the push towards polyamory, and also why i think it so often fails. we have come to believe at the marrow level that there isn't enough for all of us. and to come extent there isn't. what with how the world throws us around and how the earth is being destroyed. but between us and for us again and again i come to recognize that i fall into believing that there won't be enough space or love for me. it comes from my family, sure, but it is so real in the everyday, and has become so weakened with andy. sigh. how do we unlearn the things we did not choose to take in?

in my weakened state i sent him an email. a flurry of texts later, and i think a mediated conversation might actually be best. it is awful this disappearance, and awful the ways i don't get any farther towards feeling free of the entanglement. thank you, sarah, for the push.

after that doosy, i won't write too much more. expect to say that i've decided on a chapbook project to finish by the end of spring. about letters and voice and witnessing. wanting you all to know so that i am help to my own dreams.

sara - hard days there. where are the places for ease? did you get the mission spot?chenda is playing music, and sarah downstairs cooking. i am so grateful for you three.

-t